My Most Precious Belonging...

As much as I don't want to admit it, my Mom was right. Yes, she is right more often than not, but in this particular case, I was rebellious. My Mom is a gift giver in her love language (Book: "The Five Love Languages"). It's her "thing." She's thoughtful, caring and always pays attention to what people want or need. I recall one instance where my Mom remembered me mentioning that I needed a sewing box and gave one to many several months later. One small mention that she remembered!

Old vs. New; Hardback vs. Leather-bound; Regular edges vs. Shiny edges!

Now, normally, I am a VERY gracious receiver when I accept a gift, but I got defensive when she gave me a new Bible (bilingual like my current one) for my birthday last year. My current Bible is my most treasured possession. "I don't need a new Bible," I told her. I never want to replace my current Bible! It's worn and tattered, but its got character. It's got the notes of nearly 13 years in it! It's my precious!

Falling apart...

The reason my Mom gave it to me was legit. I had had my Bible for a long time and it's full of notes. So much so that she thought I might be reading my notes more than the scriptures themselves. I don't really feel that way, but I understood her reasoning. 

 I wrote wherever I could! Significant things went in the back and front cover.

Let me tell you a little bit of history about my Bible. It's a bilingual Spanish/English NIV I got in June 1999 for a mission trip to Honduras. The first marks I ever made in it were with yellow crayon as I highlighted the Spanish for the story of Daniel in the Lion's Den for a puppet show on that very mission trip.

Yellow Crayon...

Slowly, but surely, I started keeping pretty much all my notes in it as I knew I'd actually review those notes again. I would gander to say that Dennis Conner is actually probably the name most mentioned next to my notes in there. There are notes from lessons/sermons of both men and women as well as significant points and references to other verses to cross-trend other similar topics. This was my first serious Bible!

White space? Note space!

Now for a couple stories. A few years later, again in Honduras, I had packed my Bible in with my clothes and toiletries in my suitcase. They put all the suitcases in the back of a pick up truck to transport several hours to Tegucigalpa (capital of Honduras). Mind you, they were considerate and covered them all with a tarp, but unbeknowst to me, my suitcase was definitely NOT waterproof and water leaked under the tarp soaking EVERYTHING in many of the bags, including mine. Did I care about my clothes? Nope. I was devastated to find my Bible SOAKED! I spent hours with a hair dryer in the hotel there in Tegucigalpa and as well as when I got back home, trying to dry it out. Once it dried out, I had to separate pages that were stuck together from the incident for many moons!

Watermarked!

I recall another story where I thought I had lost my Bible. I accidentally had left it at Carolina Bible Camp one summer after I had counseled a cabin. I only realized I had left it once I had made it all the way back to Raleigh. I called frantically hoping the next staff of people for the following week would find it. When they couldn't find it, I resigned myself to the belief that my precious, my Bible, had hopefully ended up in the hands of someone who not only needed the Bible, but would be blessed with the notes therein. I was still heartbroken though. A month later, I was attending the baby shower of a precious friend (Elizabeth Mills) and at the end of it, her Mom said that they had a Bible in their possession that belonged to someone in my family (the name inside had been "T. Stuart" and since there are 3 "T. Stuarts" in our family, they didn't know who it actually belonged to). I burst into tears. I was so happy and emotional! I immediately drove across town to pick it up and was so elated to have it back again. Needless to say, I added contact information inside to identify it as mine. 

13 years!

My Bible has been all across the US, from NC to IN to KY to DC to VA to FL to AZ to TX! It has also been to Honduras five times, to Guatemala, and to England (multiple times). It has given me insight during one of the hardest and now one of the most victorious and growth-filled decades of my life. It truly is my precious and is going to be a hard one to put on a shelf for reference. I always said that if there was a fire, I'd grab myself, my pets, and my Bible. 

Notes!

The binding is finally falling apart. The Bible itself is expanded outside the binding from the water damage. It is warped and there are brittle pages. There are bits and pieces of paper, bookmarks (bought and handmade), church updates/bulletins, and note sheets strewn/filed throughout its pages. There are notes in English, Spanish, Hebrew, and even Greek. There are sticky notes and church attendance cards that I wrote quotes on in it. There is tape on the pages I've accidentally ripped. There are tear-stained pages and dirt from being outside with me. I once found the body of a dead tick in it (lol and gross!)! Ink has bled and it's water stained and marked all over. I guess if it still looked new after 13 years, then that might be a bad sign that I'm not in the Word as I should be!

Bigger than the binding...

I feel like I'm stepping out of my comfort zone as I switch to my new (and nicer!) Bible. It's a new edition of my life, a new decade coming up for me (my 30s!). Ultimately, it is time. Time for new beginnings. Time for a new life. Afterall, God will make all things new in the end of all things. Why not start new again, now?

Jeremiah 29:11

My treasure... my precious... my Bible. 

One of my fav chapters!

PS Thank you, Mom, for your thoughful gift and forgive me for not being as gracious as I should've been. Time for a new Bible cover too... 

Oh! That's what the binding is supposed to be like! Gonna be weird getting used to a new Bible...

I wrote this poem on the way down to FL this past Friday. I felt very inspired when we saw these two clouds in the sky. The sky was virtually clear of clouds, yet these were there. I feel that it was a message, and thus, I share my thoughts, my poem with you. Hope it may inspire you as it did I. The background is the actual picture taken of what we saw!

Being a dreamer...

Ironically, I'd say I have been a dreamer all along in my life. But really, I didn't understand what being a dreamer entailed. It entails discovery, mindset, goals, and action. You can't be a true dreamer if you are lacking in one of those areas. Once you discover what your dreams are, you start to get your mind right to pursue your dream, you set your goals, and you take action.

I find that most people struggle, myself included, in all steps. It's about understanding those steps and becoming persistent and consistent in the journey. 

In step two, it takes a lot to get your mind right. You need to grow yourself, your self-image and your positive mental attitude (PMA). If you aren't positive about your dreams, then how will you ever be motivated? You also need to have a sense of urgency. There is a difference between a want and a need. You've got to want your dream so bad, that you need it. Once it becomes a need, it becomes urgent and you start your pursuit by setting your goals (but not unachievable ones as to discourage your PMA-- small ones help move you towards your big goals). You also have to make the decision in the  mindset step in order to start the pursuit of your dream. If you don't make a decision, nothing happens. Then, all of a sudden, you are 20 years down the line and no closer to your dream than the day you discovered it. Protect your mind and grow yourself, and ultimately people will be drawn to your emotional stability and your PMA. 

In step four, the action towards pursuing your dreams, if you don't necessarily have the right mindset, you start checking results. I've seen this in weight loss. We get on the scale everyday at the gym and barely see any change or fluctuations up and down. Then we get discouraged and slow down our action. In fact, this is the exact opposite of what you should do in the action phase of your dream. You keep moving, and moving forward. The moment you slow down, you start to lose your momentum. The moment you look back to check your results, you start to slow down. Don't slow down! Remember your dreams are an urgent need once you have your mind right. 

What if you are stuck in step one trying to figure out what your dream is? This step is imperative. The discovery phase of your dream takes exploration and some trial and error. I've seen this in my life. I'm not negative about the trial and error though because as I've gone down the paths of my life, every step and decision has shaped and molded me today and ultimately helped me discover my dream. There is nothing like finally discovering your dream, moving through all steps of being a dreamer, and realizing that you are fulfilling the deep-rooted purpose of your life.

I always like to look at the events of my life and try and pull the positive out them. It's hard to do, believe me. But as I've worked to get my mind right, I realized that in EVERY adversity there is a seed of equal or greater benefit. When everyone around me is telling me I can't do it, that's when I stick/stuck with it. When I hit plateaus in my weightloss journey, I learned to keep going.

I've also found that if you aren't facing adversity as a dreamer in pursuit of your dream, then you might be on the wrong path. Ultimately, when we fulfill our purpose in life, it is not what the enemy wants. The enemy will try and pull you away from your dreams, distract you, attack you, in ANY means possible. That's when you, as a dreamer, rebuke the enemy and you tell him he is a toothless lion with no authority or power over your dream. When our mindset is right, we realize this and must stick to our guns.  

I'm excited about my dream if you can't tell. I'm excited to win with my friends, my family as I pursue my dreams. My purpose is not about me, ultimately. I understand who I am, and whose I am and am ready to share that with the world. I'm ready to make an impact. 

It's not about the finish line, but it's about the journey.

Just IMAGINE what you can do as dreamer... 

Over a Year Later (An Update to my Weightloss Journey)

So, wow. It's been over a year since I posted about my weightloss journey (original note here) and here I sit, still healthy and fit. Yes! I overcame the curve of many people who lose weight. It is very typical that without help and radical change in one's life, weightloss can be temporary. I've seen it many times. I made a personal vow for that not to happen, and thus far have maintained my loss.

Does that mean I still work out, still eat healthy and still take some supplements to help? SURE! It may not be as much as when I was actively losing, but it doesn't take as much effort to maintain in my case.

So what is it like now for me? Do I still struggle with my self image? Yes, actually, I do sometimes. My self image is greatly improved though!!! I carry myself, nowadays, much better overall as a person!  Have I fluctuated at all? Being transparent, yea, sure! Case-in-point, I had back/kidney stone issues back in April that cause a minor fluctuation (not much AT ALL), but getting back to normal routines has gotten me back to where I need to be!

Do people still get surprised? YES. It's sometimes weird for me that it was that dramatic and that there are still people who haven't seen me and will walk right by me without recognizing me. It happened the other day! I still get the same old question of, "How did you do it???" I also still encourage a lot of people in their journeys or help people get kick-started in theirs.

So how have my habits changed from when I was initially losing to now that I'm just maintaining?  
*I still do my best to monitor portion sizes. In fact, practically every time I go to a sit down restaurant (with the exception being sushi), I box up half my food. I also stick to the menu items that indicate "Healthy and Fit" or give a Calorie count. I try to make my lunch instead of eat out. When I eat high carb meals, I'll take a Carb Blocker (just like when I was losing) to help out (doesn't give me permission to eat more carbs, but just to help block the ones I am eating). I still don't eat terribly a lot of sugars or sweets. Doesn't mean I don't treat myself occasionally! I rarely drink soda (ask me about "healthy" energy drinks though!). I drink A LOT of water (I add various flavors to them! Think "twist tube" supplements).



*I still work out. Wish I could tell you that you can stop exercising once you get healthy and fit, but you can't really for an active and healthy life. I'm not in the gym 5-7 times a week because of my busy schedule, but I'm in there regularly 3-5 times a week. I do a lot more running and a lot more weight training. I use Sports Nutrition products to help with endurance and recovery during/after my workouts (they make a TREMENDOUS difference). I run races. In fact, races give me short term goals to strive for. I'm always wanting to improve my times.  

*I still take supplements. Nowadays, instead of the more targeted "weightloss" supplements, I take more of the preventative or muscle building (don't worry, I don't want to be the Hulk, just lean) type ones. I eat more protein and strive for more fulfilling foods. I take a multi-vitamin everyday that is good for my overall health (I rarely get sick).  

*I set personal goals. One of my main ones is to run a half marathon and then a full marathon. I strive to encourage 1 person a day as best I can in their health/fitness goals. The biggest daily goal I have is to have a Positive Mental Attitude about all aspects of life (PMA). Did you know that just changing your attitude can help with your health? :) Start with small goals and you'll see that they are more achievable, but remember to set that long term goal as a reminder.

I'm sure some of you might be thinking, she's just trying to sell me something. SURE. I'm trying to get you to buy into your own life! I do "sell" things that can help jump-start your journey or help you just get healthier and more fit, but that's not really the point. The point is your health. I can't tell you how much losing weight has changed my whole life. My blood pressure is a healthy 102/60. I have a resting heart rate in the 50s. My iron levels (which I do supplement) are higher. I'm stronger, leaner, and I inspire myself on a daily basis (not to mention others have said they are inspired).

I did this for myself. I did it to prove to myself I could do it. I did it so I can live longer. I overcame what I could control. In that process, I became a better me in ALL aspects. And now I share it because this journey is for you, too. You can do it! Just give yourself a shot, and if I can do anything, and I mean ANYTHING, to help, just ask.

"Health is a choice, so choose wisely!" ~Dr. Chet Zelasko

 

Before (June 2007)     --        After (October 2011)

Old Journal Entry from the Year 2000

Wow... so tonight I read through a "sappy" love/life journal from 1998-2000 and the following is an entry from the start of the year in 2000. I thought it was powerful. In fact, I kinda exclaimed outloud, "Wow!"

I don't think it was written about any one person (not that I can remember), and it seems there are some possible religious references as well. So here goes:
***
I am...
I am but a pawn in this game of love.
Surrounded by pieces ready to take me; yet my goal to check the king is seemingly so far away.
The currents rip my heart apart, tearing my fragile soul to pieces.
Like a magnet, I am drawn to the opposite pole, the one who seemingly forces me to him.
How can this be?
He is the light, the sun I am drawn to when I am stuck in the darkness so full of loss and chaos amongst the others who search.
The everlasting candle when the others burn out and melt, leading my path in life.
When I can't go another step up the staircase called life, he picks me up and carries me like I am crippled.
But I am! Crippled by this thing called love; as its uncompassionate nature gauges voids in my already sore heart.
Love tortures my heart as it hangs from the gallows, teased and smitten by those who seemingly cared about it.
Can love so strong ever be felt by such a one for me?
I am pricked by love's beautiful rose as I pull it closer to my bossom.
Love is but a poison to the lips, not destroying, but negatively affecting.
Like a wolf in sheeps clothing, it waits to pounce and maul my heart.
I am addicted to love's security and the feeling of being wanted and cared for like a drug that will eventually, if taken in the long term without success may kill me.
Like a fly to fly paper, I don't know how to save myself, until I am pulled to safety from love's quicksand truly, madly, and deeply!
****
Did that not have you going WOW, too? I am trying to remember the anguish I must have been feeling at 17. Sometimes, I can still relate to these same thoughts I had back then. It's all apart of the journey though. I press on.

 Me at 17 (Senior Prom)

Fitness Stats

So, today I met with a personal trainer for a quick workout and body evaluation.

Good news!
Since mid July, I have dropped 7% body fat. I have 3% more that I want to lose to get to my target of 21% (which is very good for my height). I have a BMI around 23 (which is also good!).

I average between 9 and 10 minutes per mile. I was recommended to run about every day to get to my target body fat and to train. My target weight is a bit less than what I'm at, but I should easily hit it (we are talking between 3-8 pounds really from the upper to the lower range I want to fluctuate in) when I drop off the 5% body fat.

I have a goal to be able to run a marathon by spring next year. I'm still at a total loss of 75 pounds at my lowest weight, and if I were to lose all 8 pounds and be on the lower range of my target weight range (set by me personally), then that would be a total of 80 pounds lost since August of 2008. I definitely have a lot of muscle for my height so to maintain the lower range of my weight would be hard! It's already hard to be where I'm at with the amount of muscle I have (probably higher than average), to be frank!

I also wish I had measured myself (inch-wise) back in July because I can pretty much guarantee you I've cut a good number of inches off since July even though I've pretty much only maintained my weight since then (hey, I dropped a whole size in a month-- 2 numeric sizes!).

I have to say that while I workout on a normal basis about 4-5 times/week, I personally feel pretty good in shape UNTIL I workout with a trainer... lol.

Thank goodness I have good teeth and no fillings! haha.

What if

Dear Claire,
‘What’ and ‘if’ are two words as non-threatening as words come. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: ‘What if?’…
I don’t know how your story ended.
But I know that if what you felt then was love – true love – then it’s never too late.
If it was true then it why wouldn’t it be true now?
You need only the courage to follow your heart…
I don’t know what a love like that feels like…
a love to leave loved ones for, a love to cross oceans for…
but I’d like to believe if I ever felt it,  I’d have the courage to seize it. I hope you had the courage to seize it, Claire. And if you didn’t, I hope one day that you will.
All my love,
Juliet 
***********
The above is a letter written to Claire from Juliet's "secretary" in the movie "Letters to Juliet." There are so many things in there that I wish I could truly apply to my life sometimes. The thing that hit me the most in it was how she addressed the two words "What if."


Those two words haunt me sometimes. I know we shouldn't dwell on the past and how things have panned out in our lives because to be honest, how things have panned out in our lives is why we are at where we are at in our lives today. Though I do ponder those two words a lot. 

What if... I think a lot can be applied with those two words when we make hasty decisions in our lives. Most of the time, hastiness never pays off. Sometimes, it seems like it pays off in the shortrun, but then longterm, hastiness proves to be unfulfilledness. What do I mean by that? The biggest decisions in life should NEVER be done in haste. The hardest part about that though is patience. Do I believe that patience pays off? Most definitely. When you do things right, I feel you will always live a fulfilled and happy life. Do I think that it will be smooth sailing? No way. That's just the nature of life. 


I know for me, my aim is to make my story my own, and how people, relationships, love, fun, laughter, and even all the bad stuff play a role in it all become a part of that story. Yet, those two words do linger... "What if?" But then again, why does it always have to be associated with the past? I think we fail at realizing that those two words have significant meaning in our future as well. What if we decide to take this path or this road? What if we decide to walk side by side with this person or these people? 

What if... Oh how those words can haunt our past but decidedly be so exciting for our future. The trouble I have is trying to focus on the "What ifs" of the future rather than the past. It seems like I always try and make these plans for my life based on the present here and now. Yet, when I do that, I have found it to never truly pan out the way I want it to or how I thought it was going to be. I guess that is also in the nature of how the people in our lives decide to deal with their "What ifs" as well. 


It is so hard for me to just let go of my "plans" sometimes. I have had to let go, it seems, so many times! That's when I start dwelling on those "What if" moments in my past. What if that person hadn't decided to do that? What if I had never been there, done that? Ergh! I guess that's what makes faith so scary sometimes. It's the unknown "What if" of our future (not referring to faith of the Godly kind, since I feel like that is not so much unknown for me). 


So where do the "What ifs" actually fit in our lives, or do they even fit at all? Yea, I do think they belong in our lives, but we shouldn't dwell on the past ones. Sure some of those "What ifs" may always have a place in your heart or mind. Nor should we dwell on the scariness of the future "What ifs" either. 


I've started to kinda adopt the "go with the flow" attitude. Instead of trying to make things work for my future, I've just decided I want to see where it will go, or how it will pan out. I'm looking for the connections in my life that will truly lead some place. The connections that I felt like I saw in the movie "Letters to Juliet" make me hopeful too. So perhaps, the future "What ifs" should just bring hope into our lives rather than fear. I think that's all apart of the attitude of faith that our lives will go where they are meant to go. 


This of course is not saying that you shouldn't prepare for your future, or sit around and do nothing. That accomplishes nothing. As they say, "Fail to plan, plan to fail." But in that, I think it's more meant in the attitude that you can't remain complacent in your life "hoping" that the "What ifs" will do everything for you. You still have to take the simple action of living your life. It's just sailing along with it as it goes. I think that when you do ride along life's journey, those connections that you know are meant to be will really stand out. Sometimes they may not stand out in the manner you expect, or even start or journey for a bit the way you think they should, but that's where life's plans show you that you really can't make life do what you want it to do sometimes. 

But then again, you also can't be hasty in the big things in life either because as I mentioned before, the most important things in life should never be done hastily. Life is meant to be lived in a manner that you can inspire those around you and be fulfilled and happy. At least that's my take on it. We have one life to live, so why don't we do the right thing in life, and just go with it and enjoy the journey. We take the turns we must, back up down the paths that may dead end, but ultimately every "What if" can be just a part of making you who you are meant to be.