Letting go, not the same as giving up

""We hold fast by letting go."  Letting go of our attempts to control things, our attempts to maintain control over every aspect of our life.  We've all heard the saying about if we love something, we should let it go, and then we'll know whether it "belongs" to us when we see whether it comes back to us.  So much of our discontent and our dissatisfaction comes from our unwillingness to let go of trying to control things and trying to cause just the results that we think should occur." ~Tom Walsh

I recently dealt with some of the hardest and deepest pain outside of losing someone I love whether through death or divorce. I certainly contributed my own part of that pain as I made a mistake, reacted whether than responded. I admit that fully.  It was in rectifying that mistake too late (seemingly) and also outside factors contributing to the demise of what seemed to be a strong relationship that the pain almost became unbearable. How did it get to this point? How did the resentment of the decisions made that were out of my control start to eat away at my heart? I didn't get it. I couldn't fix it. And I was hurt. In fact, I felt as though I was bleeding out. It was an emotional rollercoaster. One day I just wanted to love and the other day hate. That rollercoaster created resentment and cut deeper at the wound that just was not healing. I stayed in the lows of that ride and I just couldn't seem to ascend again towards love in this particular incident. I'd never had that happen before.

Then, I came to a realization. I have to let go. Even if that means letting go of the relationship and perhaps those associated with it fully whether permanently or temporarily. I don't know yet if anything is even reparable. It is pain that I thought I'd never have to feel or deal with. Forgiveness is there but when you start to realize that you aren't seeing the action that reconcilation really calls for, you question everything. You even question everything from the start of that relationship. Was it real? Was it worth it? Was it just convenient? What role did I really play? Then again, every part has been a part of a puzzle that has lead to other paths and relationships and experiences. So ultimately it was an important part of the path. But questions don't mean that those things are true to an extent. 

But then again, is it worth investing in again? How can one mistake tear a relationship apart? Especially, when parts of it were left unsaid to stew and bubble up again unrealized? When you don't feel that the mistake should've led to something so destructive? I struggle with this and ultimately I pray that I can come to some clear realization if it is worth it again. I've done stupid stuff in the past and realize that everyone handles things differently. But the consequences from the previous mistakes were not of a feeling of abandonment or destruction. I just don't know if it is important to protect one's self over reinvesting your heart into something that I felt should've never gone where it went. I just don't know. This is what I pray about daily.

Generally, I consider myself a positive person, but I've felt like I've been in such a dark place in this one particular incident in my life. Weird because while almost everything else around me feels peachy, inwardly I've been hurting over this part but happy about where my life is going in others. My true friends have lifted me up when I'm around them and reminded me to love again and what that feels like. Then, I get off on my own and my mind wanders and scenarios arise within the confines of the whole dark situation.

I know we all grow and move on in life, so perhaps this another one of those growing moments? I honestly don't know. Generally, I guess it will take time. I also know that I won't have to deal truly with the consequences of decisions made out of my control. I have no regrets ultimately about decisions I can't control, so that will be left to other parties.

Generally though, it will be a long road if true reconciliation ever does occur. Maybe some little bit has occured, but I believe that full and true reconcilation is definitely not just about words, but action as well. Guaranteed, this has, to some extent, made some of my future decisions easier when it comes to the bigger picture events in my future life. I pray that I never handle certain aspects of my life the way I've seen them handed to me, but I also pray that I never repeat my mistakes but learn from them.

Deep down I realize that no matter how dumb I act at times, I won't lose those closest to me who truly know me. I've seen that already in those people I hold closest and dearest in my heart (ya'll know who ya'll are). And I am so blessed to have people who unconditionally love and forgive my cracked, imperfect self still to this day after many, many years of mistakes and silliness.

Ultimately, all will be revealed in time as to which direction/path must be traveled. And as with any path I take, and have taken, I have no regrets. They are all apart of what makes me who I am. 

So thus, I leave you with this:

"To let go isn't to forget, not to think about, or ignore.  It doesn't leave feelings of anger, jealousy, or regret.  Letting go isn't about winning or losing.  It's not about pride and it's not about how you appear, and it's not obsessing or dwelling on the past.  Letting go isn't blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts, and it doesn't leave emptiness, hurt, or sadness.  It's not about giving in or giving up. Letting go isn't about loss and it's not about defeat.  To let go is to cherish the memories, but to overcome and move on.  It is having an open mind and confidence in the future.  Letting go is learning and experiencing and growing.  To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and made you grow. It's about all that you have, all that you had, and all that you will soon gain.  Letting go is having the courage to accept change, and the strength to keep moving.  Letting go is growing up.  It is realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy. To let go is to open a door, and to clear a path and set yourself free."

(unattributed)