"Why wait?"

It seems as of late I've found that I've never been more content, happy, or at peace with myself and the direction of my life than at any other time in my life. Not all the experiences that have gotten me here along my life journey were what I expected or wanted. In fact, many weren't. But I live with no regrets.

I'm consistently amazed at how little (if at all) I miss certain things or people who truly just brought me down. I've learned to distance myself or completely cut off those associations. I no longer want to have a relationship, a truly deep relationship that is, with anyone who doesn't truly want one back or who doesn't bring me up or who just is poison, ultimately, in my life. I'm also consistently amazed about the confirmations I get about those decisions being right and were what I needed to make.

Have I cried lots of tears along my 30 year journey? Yes, but as of late, they are tears of joy and laughter. I find myself laughing more, and enjoying life more to the full. I've got a ways to go in my journey. I'm certainly no complete project. But, knowing that I'm working towards my purpose in life and building deeper and stronger relationships with those who deserve to be in my life, who I need to be in my life, and who I actually want in my life and vice versa on all accounts is truly freeing.

This leads to my ponderings over waiting...

My nephew, Andrew, 5, said something that struck a note with me. I was in the nursery on Sunday morning at church taking care of the little bits and when my Sister (in-law) came to pick up my baby nephew, David, 16.5 months, Andrew followed shortly with my brother (his Daddy). I told him I wanted a kiss and a hug. He said ok, at this point a half door in our way, and I said, "well let's wait until after church at Nana and Papa's." His immediate response was, "Why wait?" I couldn't have been more elated or touched that he said that, and, of course, I immediately went out there and collected the love I had asked for.

Why wait? Oh my how those words are strong. I waited to cut ties with poisonous people and things in my life and that never truly brought me anything positive, but prolonged stress and hurtfulness. I waited to confront issues in my failed relationship with my ex, and that brought heartache. I waited to pursue my dream, and that slowed down my momentum. I waited... oh waiting, how that, in what seems to be most situations, isn't really the answer.

But then waiting, in some instances, can be superbly beneficial. I waited for 11 months (tried a year... lol) before considering dating anyone seriously. When the right time came, though, I didn't wait. And the reasoning for waiting in that instance was sound and founded on the right premise. Truly, waiting is most appropriate when we wait on the Lord and His will for the path of our lives. That's where I will learn to wait upon those things that He calls me to in this life. Otherwise, no more waiting. I will grab the bull by the horns and take control of those things in my life that I can control. In the end, it is only in faith that I will choose to wait on something, not my own understanding only.

"But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

Drawing the Line

Oh how I wish I had learned sooner. Sometimes you really have to see something's dark side for what it is before you draw the line. This being said I do realize I have my own dark side and faults as well. I just choose to grow myself and become a better me on a regular basis to override those.

I've been thinking a lot about how I've drawn the line in the last few months of my life. I came to the realization that I had actually drawn the line around my 30th birthday. I had been told on several occasions that I was wearing myself too thin. I cared too much (especially when it comes to brick walls). I tried to please everyone to a fault. To my own detriment. It was tiring and I was worn to the core. It was as though if you just overstepped me by one bit, you'd pretty much be out. Ironically, to those whose got called out, they thought there were many when indeed there were really only very few.

What it all comes down to is what is something, a relationship, a friendship, a personal goal really worth to you? I had gotten so sick and tired of the falsities around me. It started with seeing true natures around me. I was given hope, then it was shattered. I got told to shut it and so I did. And when the lack of response was too much for the other, it led to permanent severage. And I didn't look back. I didn't shed a tear. I was relieved. At first I thought, "Shouldn't I feel guilty?" But then I realized that without poison in my life, no matter what it is, the fog is lifted. Suddenly, I was carrying myself differently. I was happier. I didn't have to worry so much. And it was VERY noticeable.

I spoke with my sister (in-law) and she told me something very true right after my 30th birthday. She said some things/people/etc come into your life for a season and a reason. Wow. Yes. And that purpose ultimately taught me a few, albeit hard, lessons. Things aren't always as they seem and I really had overlooked the red flags. And really, had done so for far too long.

I've found that the best thing that any negative in my life can do is prove me right. Prove my decisions to cut the chains as the best possible decisions I've made. And golly did it reveal where my focuses in life needed to be. And it reinforced my PMA (positive mental attitude).

The sadder aspect is where those negatives are left. Perhaps, they are left with a negative view of me and my decisions. Perhaps, they are left with what's left of their own negativity or even left with nothing/one at all. Perhaps, all in all, they've found that they were portraying something that really wasn't true. Perhaps, they lost their why and the pursuit of purpose. Perhaps, they are only left with emptyness and broken hearts. All I know is that in my heart, I feel peace. And that, my friends, is one of the best things in life. No regrets. Some things in life are far more important...

Letting go, not the same as giving up

""We hold fast by letting go."  Letting go of our attempts to control things, our attempts to maintain control over every aspect of our life.  We've all heard the saying about if we love something, we should let it go, and then we'll know whether it "belongs" to us when we see whether it comes back to us.  So much of our discontent and our dissatisfaction comes from our unwillingness to let go of trying to control things and trying to cause just the results that we think should occur." ~Tom Walsh

I recently dealt with some of the hardest and deepest pain outside of losing someone I love whether through death or divorce. I certainly contributed my own part of that pain as I made a mistake, reacted whether than responded. I admit that fully.  It was in rectifying that mistake too late (seemingly) and also outside factors contributing to the demise of what seemed to be a strong relationship that the pain almost became unbearable. How did it get to this point? How did the resentment of the decisions made that were out of my control start to eat away at my heart? I didn't get it. I couldn't fix it. And I was hurt. In fact, I felt as though I was bleeding out. It was an emotional rollercoaster. One day I just wanted to love and the other day hate. That rollercoaster created resentment and cut deeper at the wound that just was not healing. I stayed in the lows of that ride and I just couldn't seem to ascend again towards love in this particular incident. I'd never had that happen before.

Then, I came to a realization. I have to let go. Even if that means letting go of the relationship and perhaps those associated with it fully whether permanently or temporarily. I don't know yet if anything is even reparable. It is pain that I thought I'd never have to feel or deal with. Forgiveness is there but when you start to realize that you aren't seeing the action that reconcilation really calls for, you question everything. You even question everything from the start of that relationship. Was it real? Was it worth it? Was it just convenient? What role did I really play? Then again, every part has been a part of a puzzle that has lead to other paths and relationships and experiences. So ultimately it was an important part of the path. But questions don't mean that those things are true to an extent. 

But then again, is it worth investing in again? How can one mistake tear a relationship apart? Especially, when parts of it were left unsaid to stew and bubble up again unrealized? When you don't feel that the mistake should've led to something so destructive? I struggle with this and ultimately I pray that I can come to some clear realization if it is worth it again. I've done stupid stuff in the past and realize that everyone handles things differently. But the consequences from the previous mistakes were not of a feeling of abandonment or destruction. I just don't know if it is important to protect one's self over reinvesting your heart into something that I felt should've never gone where it went. I just don't know. This is what I pray about daily.

Generally, I consider myself a positive person, but I've felt like I've been in such a dark place in this one particular incident in my life. Weird because while almost everything else around me feels peachy, inwardly I've been hurting over this part but happy about where my life is going in others. My true friends have lifted me up when I'm around them and reminded me to love again and what that feels like. Then, I get off on my own and my mind wanders and scenarios arise within the confines of the whole dark situation.

I know we all grow and move on in life, so perhaps this another one of those growing moments? I honestly don't know. Generally, I guess it will take time. I also know that I won't have to deal truly with the consequences of decisions made out of my control. I have no regrets ultimately about decisions I can't control, so that will be left to other parties.

Generally though, it will be a long road if true reconciliation ever does occur. Maybe some little bit has occured, but I believe that full and true reconcilation is definitely not just about words, but action as well. Guaranteed, this has, to some extent, made some of my future decisions easier when it comes to the bigger picture events in my future life. I pray that I never handle certain aspects of my life the way I've seen them handed to me, but I also pray that I never repeat my mistakes but learn from them.

Deep down I realize that no matter how dumb I act at times, I won't lose those closest to me who truly know me. I've seen that already in those people I hold closest and dearest in my heart (ya'll know who ya'll are). And I am so blessed to have people who unconditionally love and forgive my cracked, imperfect self still to this day after many, many years of mistakes and silliness.

Ultimately, all will be revealed in time as to which direction/path must be traveled. And as with any path I take, and have taken, I have no regrets. They are all apart of what makes me who I am. 

So thus, I leave you with this:

"To let go isn't to forget, not to think about, or ignore.  It doesn't leave feelings of anger, jealousy, or regret.  Letting go isn't about winning or losing.  It's not about pride and it's not about how you appear, and it's not obsessing or dwelling on the past.  Letting go isn't blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts, and it doesn't leave emptiness, hurt, or sadness.  It's not about giving in or giving up. Letting go isn't about loss and it's not about defeat.  To let go is to cherish the memories, but to overcome and move on.  It is having an open mind and confidence in the future.  Letting go is learning and experiencing and growing.  To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and made you grow. It's about all that you have, all that you had, and all that you will soon gain.  Letting go is having the courage to accept change, and the strength to keep moving.  Letting go is growing up.  It is realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy. To let go is to open a door, and to clear a path and set yourself free."

(unattributed)

My Most Precious Belonging...

As much as I don't want to admit it, my Mom was right. Yes, she is right more often than not, but in this particular case, I was rebellious. My Mom is a gift giver in her love language (Book: "The Five Love Languages"). It's her "thing." She's thoughtful, caring and always pays attention to what people want or need. I recall one instance where my Mom remembered me mentioning that I needed a sewing box and gave one to many several months later. One small mention that she remembered!

Old vs. New; Hardback vs. Leather-bound; Regular edges vs. Shiny edges!

Now, normally, I am a VERY gracious receiver when I accept a gift, but I got defensive when she gave me a new Bible (bilingual like my current one) for my birthday last year. My current Bible is my most treasured possession. "I don't need a new Bible," I told her. I never want to replace my current Bible! It's worn and tattered, but its got character. It's got the notes of nearly 13 years in it! It's my precious!

Falling apart...

The reason my Mom gave it to me was legit. I had had my Bible for a long time and it's full of notes. So much so that she thought I might be reading my notes more than the scriptures themselves. I don't really feel that way, but I understood her reasoning. 

 I wrote wherever I could! Significant things went in the back and front cover.

Let me tell you a little bit of history about my Bible. It's a bilingual Spanish/English NIV I got in June 1999 for a mission trip to Honduras. The first marks I ever made in it were with yellow crayon as I highlighted the Spanish for the story of Daniel in the Lion's Den for a puppet show on that very mission trip.

Yellow Crayon...

Slowly, but surely, I started keeping pretty much all my notes in it as I knew I'd actually review those notes again. I would gander to say that Dennis Conner is actually probably the name most mentioned next to my notes in there. There are notes from lessons/sermons of both men and women as well as significant points and references to other verses to cross-trend other similar topics. This was my first serious Bible!

White space? Note space!

Now for a couple stories. A few years later, again in Honduras, I had packed my Bible in with my clothes and toiletries in my suitcase. They put all the suitcases in the back of a pick up truck to transport several hours to Tegucigalpa (capital of Honduras). Mind you, they were considerate and covered them all with a tarp, but unbeknowst to me, my suitcase was definitely NOT waterproof and water leaked under the tarp soaking EVERYTHING in many of the bags, including mine. Did I care about my clothes? Nope. I was devastated to find my Bible SOAKED! I spent hours with a hair dryer in the hotel there in Tegucigalpa and as well as when I got back home, trying to dry it out. Once it dried out, I had to separate pages that were stuck together from the incident for many moons!

Watermarked!

I recall another story where I thought I had lost my Bible. I accidentally had left it at Carolina Bible Camp one summer after I had counseled a cabin. I only realized I had left it once I had made it all the way back to Raleigh. I called frantically hoping the next staff of people for the following week would find it. When they couldn't find it, I resigned myself to the belief that my precious, my Bible, had hopefully ended up in the hands of someone who not only needed the Bible, but would be blessed with the notes therein. I was still heartbroken though. A month later, I was attending the baby shower of a precious friend (Elizabeth Mills) and at the end of it, her Mom said that they had a Bible in their possession that belonged to someone in my family (the name inside had been "T. Stuart" and since there are 3 "T. Stuarts" in our family, they didn't know who it actually belonged to). I burst into tears. I was so happy and emotional! I immediately drove across town to pick it up and was so elated to have it back again. Needless to say, I added contact information inside to identify it as mine. 

13 years!

My Bible has been all across the US, from NC to IN to KY to DC to VA to FL to AZ to TX! It has also been to Honduras five times, to Guatemala, and to England (multiple times). It has given me insight during one of the hardest and now one of the most victorious and growth-filled decades of my life. It truly is my precious and is going to be a hard one to put on a shelf for reference. I always said that if there was a fire, I'd grab myself, my pets, and my Bible. 

Notes!

The binding is finally falling apart. The Bible itself is expanded outside the binding from the water damage. It is warped and there are brittle pages. There are bits and pieces of paper, bookmarks (bought and handmade), church updates/bulletins, and note sheets strewn/filed throughout its pages. There are notes in English, Spanish, Hebrew, and even Greek. There are sticky notes and church attendance cards that I wrote quotes on in it. There is tape on the pages I've accidentally ripped. There are tear-stained pages and dirt from being outside with me. I once found the body of a dead tick in it (lol and gross!)! Ink has bled and it's water stained and marked all over. I guess if it still looked new after 13 years, then that might be a bad sign that I'm not in the Word as I should be!

Bigger than the binding...

I feel like I'm stepping out of my comfort zone as I switch to my new (and nicer!) Bible. It's a new edition of my life, a new decade coming up for me (my 30s!). Ultimately, it is time. Time for new beginnings. Time for a new life. Afterall, God will make all things new in the end of all things. Why not start new again, now?

Jeremiah 29:11

My treasure... my precious... my Bible. 

One of my fav chapters!

PS Thank you, Mom, for your thoughful gift and forgive me for not being as gracious as I should've been. Time for a new Bible cover too... 

Oh! That's what the binding is supposed to be like! Gonna be weird getting used to a new Bible...

I wrote this poem on the way down to FL this past Friday. I felt very inspired when we saw these two clouds in the sky. The sky was virtually clear of clouds, yet these were there. I feel that it was a message, and thus, I share my thoughts, my poem with you. Hope it may inspire you as it did I. The background is the actual picture taken of what we saw!

Being a dreamer...

Ironically, I'd say I have been a dreamer all along in my life. But really, I didn't understand what being a dreamer entailed. It entails discovery, mindset, goals, and action. You can't be a true dreamer if you are lacking in one of those areas. Once you discover what your dreams are, you start to get your mind right to pursue your dream, you set your goals, and you take action.

I find that most people struggle, myself included, in all steps. It's about understanding those steps and becoming persistent and consistent in the journey. 

In step two, it takes a lot to get your mind right. You need to grow yourself, your self-image and your positive mental attitude (PMA). If you aren't positive about your dreams, then how will you ever be motivated? You also need to have a sense of urgency. There is a difference between a want and a need. You've got to want your dream so bad, that you need it. Once it becomes a need, it becomes urgent and you start your pursuit by setting your goals (but not unachievable ones as to discourage your PMA-- small ones help move you towards your big goals). You also have to make the decision in the  mindset step in order to start the pursuit of your dream. If you don't make a decision, nothing happens. Then, all of a sudden, you are 20 years down the line and no closer to your dream than the day you discovered it. Protect your mind and grow yourself, and ultimately people will be drawn to your emotional stability and your PMA. 

In step four, the action towards pursuing your dreams, if you don't necessarily have the right mindset, you start checking results. I've seen this in weight loss. We get on the scale everyday at the gym and barely see any change or fluctuations up and down. Then we get discouraged and slow down our action. In fact, this is the exact opposite of what you should do in the action phase of your dream. You keep moving, and moving forward. The moment you slow down, you start to lose your momentum. The moment you look back to check your results, you start to slow down. Don't slow down! Remember your dreams are an urgent need once you have your mind right. 

What if you are stuck in step one trying to figure out what your dream is? This step is imperative. The discovery phase of your dream takes exploration and some trial and error. I've seen this in my life. I'm not negative about the trial and error though because as I've gone down the paths of my life, every step and decision has shaped and molded me today and ultimately helped me discover my dream. There is nothing like finally discovering your dream, moving through all steps of being a dreamer, and realizing that you are fulfilling the deep-rooted purpose of your life.

I always like to look at the events of my life and try and pull the positive out them. It's hard to do, believe me. But as I've worked to get my mind right, I realized that in EVERY adversity there is a seed of equal or greater benefit. When everyone around me is telling me I can't do it, that's when I stick/stuck with it. When I hit plateaus in my weightloss journey, I learned to keep going.

I've also found that if you aren't facing adversity as a dreamer in pursuit of your dream, then you might be on the wrong path. Ultimately, when we fulfill our purpose in life, it is not what the enemy wants. The enemy will try and pull you away from your dreams, distract you, attack you, in ANY means possible. That's when you, as a dreamer, rebuke the enemy and you tell him he is a toothless lion with no authority or power over your dream. When our mindset is right, we realize this and must stick to our guns.  

I'm excited about my dream if you can't tell. I'm excited to win with my friends, my family as I pursue my dreams. My purpose is not about me, ultimately. I understand who I am, and whose I am and am ready to share that with the world. I'm ready to make an impact. 

It's not about the finish line, but it's about the journey.

Just IMAGINE what you can do as dreamer...