Doors

I find myself getting inspiration at the most inopportune of times sometimes. Hence, now I sit in a McD’s parking lot barely having been on the road back to NC for about 20 minutes, inspired to write another blog.

Yet, this is pretty typical of my trips from VA to NC. I find myself usually scribbling in a notebook while I drive. Yea, I know. Not the safest of things to be doing, but I really want to get my thoughts out exactly how I think them at that very moment or I’ll never get it out like I want.

So, what has me thinking now? Well a lot of things. I always seem to ponder where I’m at in my life on these trips. And, to be frank, I need these times and these trips to get out of my grind and normal mundane life sometimes.

So what now? Well, I was thinking. Haha. Yea. Of course I was. So here it is:

The unknown is so apparent in my life it is scary. The opportunities in my life and where I’m going from here on are so exciting it scares me. I can’t help but look back at some of the doors that have closed in my life and want to run back and start banging on them to let me back in. It’s so hard not to want that. When those things you desired so strongly in your life are now gone and you are looking into a future that is unknown, yet so open to newness, you have to wonder what has gotten you to this point.

The other thing that has been on my mind are some of my friendships and relationships. It is so hard when you see more than one person in your life who you think are making the biggest mistakes ever! You want to run up to them, give them a slap, hug them, and then yell, “Don’t do it!!!” It’s hard when you think you know what the best thing is in their life and they don’t listen. But then again, you have to remember that you aren’t living their life either. However, it is still hard as you don’t want to see them get hurt. I can’t say that I wish ill on anyone, but there have been points in my life where I hoped that the hard lessons that were going to happen didn’t destroy that person or me to the point of irreparable. So far, I know the mistakes I’ve made in my life have only left scars and not permanent damage.

So all this being said, it relates to the open and closed doors in my life. Have I been making the biggest mistakes? No, I don’t think so. I just hate seeing others around me doing things that are so anti from what they have told me are their goals and dreams in life. Doing things that make no sense at all. Yet, I am SURE that some people are looking at my life and thinking the same exact thing. But, I don’t feel that way one bit. Those who truly know me, know this about me.

What I want most people to know is that while I’m not complacent with where I’m at in my life, I do have a sortof peace about where I’m going. I’m definitely not where I thought I would be a year ago now. Do I wish I was? Yea, sure. But then the enormous opportunities despite the unknown wouldn’t be in front of me. I imagine that I’m starting to reopen my heart to allow the future blessings to come flowing in like a vacuum as I read in a book recently. Do I feel like I deserve those blessings? Most of the time, I don’t. But that’s the nature of humanity. Yet, I stand on this path right now doing exactly and going exactly where I think I’m meant to be doing/going. There are many choices to be made. There are opportunities all around me. I just wish things were clearer for me. That I knew which choices to make that would pay off the most. Then there’s that ache to look back at some of those closed doors and see if they might be cracked open only slightly. But every time I look back, they aren’t. And I tell ya, that really hurts most of the time. I guess that’s why we are supposed to press forward. That if those doors are meant to reopen, they will open as a new door in front of me with new opportunities and a new path associated with them. And if they aren’t meant to reopen, you just move on and experience a life that truly was meant for you. Which I think will happen no matter what anyways. The most important part that I have to remind myself is to not wait around for things that are out of my control, especially when there is no indication that I should. To take a hold of what I can control and move forward.

The hardest part is hoping that the people and the opportunities that are behind those closed doors don’t miss out on what could’ve been such a happy and fulfilling life or path. Especially, when in your heart you know that they will be disappointed. And, as I've said before, this is hard because I wish no ill on anyone! For me, friendships and relationships in my life aren’t taken lightly and when you lose one without even the opportunity on your part to truly figure out why or get the opportunity for closure, it hurts A LOT. But then you realize that sometimes you just don’t have a choice in the matter. That it is not in your hands to get that opportunity.

Then I look forward and see that I will have such an amazing fulfilling life no matter what doors open, close, or reopen in my life. That is just the nature of hope and faith. 

So here I stand, or sit rather at at this very moment, staring at a future with so many unknowns yet so many opportunities. I will say that everything I’ve experienced in the past has just moved me to a point to know exactly where I want and need to go. And for that, despite the hurt sometimes, I am thankful.