A Postcard to Myself from 2034

Dear Tamara (2014),

It is the year 2034. I am truly impacting the world, but even more importantly, my family. My children want to grow up to be like me and I am a Proverbs 31 woman, a true DIAMOND in the rough. My nephews look up to me and want to be a part of the impact movement I have created. I provide for my parents so they can live comfortably and worry free. I've seen so much of the world, but I am not idle. I am always in discovery mode and continue to move forward with Josh by my side. I am building a legacy that will impact the generations after me. My faith is stronger than ever. I am an IMPACT player, and I empower those around me. I am thankful and blessed.

Sincerely,

Tamara (2034)

**************

This was an exercise I did with the Staff Women's Network that I am a part of on campus. I have to say that I feel so happy and blessed to be in my current position despite the struggle to get here. This group is one of the many blessings I've had since joining the pack. 

In this exercise, we created a mind map of the themes of the group's individual "Spirit Visions" that we wrote in our postcards to ourselves. You can see this below:

Writing out this vision statement in postcard form wasn't easy. I really had to put my vision before me. It's not the first time I've done it; in fact, I really worked on my vision a mere 3 weeks ago. But, now that it is written this way, I feel like it is truly achievable. They say if you don't write your goals/vision down, it's unlikely you will achieve them. This is a HUGE step in my forward momentum for sure. 

Some of the other parts of writing our "Spirit Vision" had to do with answering some personal questions like the values I thought were most important, what I yearn to achieve, what I thought my biggest strengths were, and what fulfills me. It took some thought, but ultimately it excited me for the future. 

What's your "Spirit Vision"? If you need some guidance, I have access to the powerpoint and handouts we used. I'll be glad to share them with you! 

"Why wait?"

It seems as of late I've found that I've never been more content, happy, or at peace with myself and the direction of my life than at any other time in my life. Not all the experiences that have gotten me here along my life journey were what I expected or wanted. In fact, many weren't. But I live with no regrets.

I'm consistently amazed at how little (if at all) I miss certain things or people who truly just brought me down. I've learned to distance myself or completely cut off those associations. I no longer want to have a relationship, a truly deep relationship that is, with anyone who doesn't truly want one back or who doesn't bring me up or who just is poison, ultimately, in my life. I'm also consistently amazed about the confirmations I get about those decisions being right and were what I needed to make.

Have I cried lots of tears along my 30 year journey? Yes, but as of late, they are tears of joy and laughter. I find myself laughing more, and enjoying life more to the full. I've got a ways to go in my journey. I'm certainly no complete project. But, knowing that I'm working towards my purpose in life and building deeper and stronger relationships with those who deserve to be in my life, who I need to be in my life, and who I actually want in my life and vice versa on all accounts is truly freeing.

This leads to my ponderings over waiting...

My nephew, Andrew, 5, said something that struck a note with me. I was in the nursery on Sunday morning at church taking care of the little bits and when my Sister (in-law) came to pick up my baby nephew, David, 16.5 months, Andrew followed shortly with my brother (his Daddy). I told him I wanted a kiss and a hug. He said ok, at this point a half door in our way, and I said, "well let's wait until after church at Nana and Papa's." His immediate response was, "Why wait?" I couldn't have been more elated or touched that he said that, and, of course, I immediately went out there and collected the love I had asked for.

Why wait? Oh my how those words are strong. I waited to cut ties with poisonous people and things in my life and that never truly brought me anything positive, but prolonged stress and hurtfulness. I waited to confront issues in my failed relationship with my ex, and that brought heartache. I waited to pursue my dream, and that slowed down my momentum. I waited... oh waiting, how that, in what seems to be most situations, isn't really the answer.

But then waiting, in some instances, can be superbly beneficial. I waited for 11 months (tried a year... lol) before considering dating anyone seriously. When the right time came, though, I didn't wait. And the reasoning for waiting in that instance was sound and founded on the right premise. Truly, waiting is most appropriate when we wait on the Lord and His will for the path of our lives. That's where I will learn to wait upon those things that He calls me to in this life. Otherwise, no more waiting. I will grab the bull by the horns and take control of those things in my life that I can control. In the end, it is only in faith that I will choose to wait on something, not my own understanding only.

"But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

Drawing the Line

Oh how I wish I had learned sooner. Sometimes you really have to see something's dark side for what it is before you draw the line. This being said I do realize I have my own dark side and faults as well. I just choose to grow myself and become a better me on a regular basis to override those.

I've been thinking a lot about how I've drawn the line in the last few months of my life. I came to the realization that I had actually drawn the line around my 30th birthday. I had been told on several occasions that I was wearing myself too thin. I cared too much (especially when it comes to brick walls). I tried to please everyone to a fault. To my own detriment. It was tiring and I was worn to the core. It was as though if you just overstepped me by one bit, you'd pretty much be out. Ironically, to those whose got called out, they thought there were many when indeed there were really only very few.

What it all comes down to is what is something, a relationship, a friendship, a personal goal really worth to you? I had gotten so sick and tired of the falsities around me. It started with seeing true natures around me. I was given hope, then it was shattered. I got told to shut it and so I did. And when the lack of response was too much for the other, it led to permanent severage. And I didn't look back. I didn't shed a tear. I was relieved. At first I thought, "Shouldn't I feel guilty?" But then I realized that without poison in my life, no matter what it is, the fog is lifted. Suddenly, I was carrying myself differently. I was happier. I didn't have to worry so much. And it was VERY noticeable.

I spoke with my sister (in-law) and she told me something very true right after my 30th birthday. She said some things/people/etc come into your life for a season and a reason. Wow. Yes. And that purpose ultimately taught me a few, albeit hard, lessons. Things aren't always as they seem and I really had overlooked the red flags. And really, had done so for far too long.

I've found that the best thing that any negative in my life can do is prove me right. Prove my decisions to cut the chains as the best possible decisions I've made. And golly did it reveal where my focuses in life needed to be. And it reinforced my PMA (positive mental attitude).

The sadder aspect is where those negatives are left. Perhaps, they are left with a negative view of me and my decisions. Perhaps, they are left with what's left of their own negativity or even left with nothing/one at all. Perhaps, all in all, they've found that they were portraying something that really wasn't true. Perhaps, they lost their why and the pursuit of purpose. Perhaps, they are only left with emptyness and broken hearts. All I know is that in my heart, I feel peace. And that, my friends, is one of the best things in life. No regrets. Some things in life are far more important...

Letting go, not the same as giving up

""We hold fast by letting go."  Letting go of our attempts to control things, our attempts to maintain control over every aspect of our life.  We've all heard the saying about if we love something, we should let it go, and then we'll know whether it "belongs" to us when we see whether it comes back to us.  So much of our discontent and our dissatisfaction comes from our unwillingness to let go of trying to control things and trying to cause just the results that we think should occur." ~Tom Walsh

I recently dealt with some of the hardest and deepest pain outside of losing someone I love whether through death or divorce. I certainly contributed my own part of that pain as I made a mistake, reacted whether than responded. I admit that fully.  It was in rectifying that mistake too late (seemingly) and also outside factors contributing to the demise of what seemed to be a strong relationship that the pain almost became unbearable. How did it get to this point? How did the resentment of the decisions made that were out of my control start to eat away at my heart? I didn't get it. I couldn't fix it. And I was hurt. In fact, I felt as though I was bleeding out. It was an emotional rollercoaster. One day I just wanted to love and the other day hate. That rollercoaster created resentment and cut deeper at the wound that just was not healing. I stayed in the lows of that ride and I just couldn't seem to ascend again towards love in this particular incident. I'd never had that happen before.

Then, I came to a realization. I have to let go. Even if that means letting go of the relationship and perhaps those associated with it fully whether permanently or temporarily. I don't know yet if anything is even reparable. It is pain that I thought I'd never have to feel or deal with. Forgiveness is there but when you start to realize that you aren't seeing the action that reconcilation really calls for, you question everything. You even question everything from the start of that relationship. Was it real? Was it worth it? Was it just convenient? What role did I really play? Then again, every part has been a part of a puzzle that has lead to other paths and relationships and experiences. So ultimately it was an important part of the path. But questions don't mean that those things are true to an extent. 

But then again, is it worth investing in again? How can one mistake tear a relationship apart? Especially, when parts of it were left unsaid to stew and bubble up again unrealized? When you don't feel that the mistake should've led to something so destructive? I struggle with this and ultimately I pray that I can come to some clear realization if it is worth it again. I've done stupid stuff in the past and realize that everyone handles things differently. But the consequences from the previous mistakes were not of a feeling of abandonment or destruction. I just don't know if it is important to protect one's self over reinvesting your heart into something that I felt should've never gone where it went. I just don't know. This is what I pray about daily.

Generally, I consider myself a positive person, but I've felt like I've been in such a dark place in this one particular incident in my life. Weird because while almost everything else around me feels peachy, inwardly I've been hurting over this part but happy about where my life is going in others. My true friends have lifted me up when I'm around them and reminded me to love again and what that feels like. Then, I get off on my own and my mind wanders and scenarios arise within the confines of the whole dark situation.

I know we all grow and move on in life, so perhaps this another one of those growing moments? I honestly don't know. Generally, I guess it will take time. I also know that I won't have to deal truly with the consequences of decisions made out of my control. I have no regrets ultimately about decisions I can't control, so that will be left to other parties.

Generally though, it will be a long road if true reconciliation ever does occur. Maybe some little bit has occured, but I believe that full and true reconcilation is definitely not just about words, but action as well. Guaranteed, this has, to some extent, made some of my future decisions easier when it comes to the bigger picture events in my future life. I pray that I never handle certain aspects of my life the way I've seen them handed to me, but I also pray that I never repeat my mistakes but learn from them.

Deep down I realize that no matter how dumb I act at times, I won't lose those closest to me who truly know me. I've seen that already in those people I hold closest and dearest in my heart (ya'll know who ya'll are). And I am so blessed to have people who unconditionally love and forgive my cracked, imperfect self still to this day after many, many years of mistakes and silliness.

Ultimately, all will be revealed in time as to which direction/path must be traveled. And as with any path I take, and have taken, I have no regrets. They are all apart of what makes me who I am. 

So thus, I leave you with this:

"To let go isn't to forget, not to think about, or ignore.  It doesn't leave feelings of anger, jealousy, or regret.  Letting go isn't about winning or losing.  It's not about pride and it's not about how you appear, and it's not obsessing or dwelling on the past.  Letting go isn't blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts, and it doesn't leave emptiness, hurt, or sadness.  It's not about giving in or giving up. Letting go isn't about loss and it's not about defeat.  To let go is to cherish the memories, but to overcome and move on.  It is having an open mind and confidence in the future.  Letting go is learning and experiencing and growing.  To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and made you grow. It's about all that you have, all that you had, and all that you will soon gain.  Letting go is having the courage to accept change, and the strength to keep moving.  Letting go is growing up.  It is realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy. To let go is to open a door, and to clear a path and set yourself free."

(unattributed)

My Most Precious Belonging...

As much as I don't want to admit it, my Mom was right. Yes, she is right more often than not, but in this particular case, I was rebellious. My Mom is a gift giver in her love language (Book: "The Five Love Languages"). It's her "thing." She's thoughtful, caring and always pays attention to what people want or need. I recall one instance where my Mom remembered me mentioning that I needed a sewing box and gave one to many several months later. One small mention that she remembered!

Old vs. New; Hardback vs. Leather-bound; Regular edges vs. Shiny edges!

Now, normally, I am a VERY gracious receiver when I accept a gift, but I got defensive when she gave me a new Bible (bilingual like my current one) for my birthday last year. My current Bible is my most treasured possession. "I don't need a new Bible," I told her. I never want to replace my current Bible! It's worn and tattered, but its got character. It's got the notes of nearly 13 years in it! It's my precious!

Falling apart...

The reason my Mom gave it to me was legit. I had had my Bible for a long time and it's full of notes. So much so that she thought I might be reading my notes more than the scriptures themselves. I don't really feel that way, but I understood her reasoning. 

 I wrote wherever I could! Significant things went in the back and front cover.

Let me tell you a little bit of history about my Bible. It's a bilingual Spanish/English NIV I got in June 1999 for a mission trip to Honduras. The first marks I ever made in it were with yellow crayon as I highlighted the Spanish for the story of Daniel in the Lion's Den for a puppet show on that very mission trip.

Yellow Crayon...

Slowly, but surely, I started keeping pretty much all my notes in it as I knew I'd actually review those notes again. I would gander to say that Dennis Conner is actually probably the name most mentioned next to my notes in there. There are notes from lessons/sermons of both men and women as well as significant points and references to other verses to cross-trend other similar topics. This was my first serious Bible!

White space? Note space!

Now for a couple stories. A few years later, again in Honduras, I had packed my Bible in with my clothes and toiletries in my suitcase. They put all the suitcases in the back of a pick up truck to transport several hours to Tegucigalpa (capital of Honduras). Mind you, they were considerate and covered them all with a tarp, but unbeknowst to me, my suitcase was definitely NOT waterproof and water leaked under the tarp soaking EVERYTHING in many of the bags, including mine. Did I care about my clothes? Nope. I was devastated to find my Bible SOAKED! I spent hours with a hair dryer in the hotel there in Tegucigalpa and as well as when I got back home, trying to dry it out. Once it dried out, I had to separate pages that were stuck together from the incident for many moons!

Watermarked!

I recall another story where I thought I had lost my Bible. I accidentally had left it at Carolina Bible Camp one summer after I had counseled a cabin. I only realized I had left it once I had made it all the way back to Raleigh. I called frantically hoping the next staff of people for the following week would find it. When they couldn't find it, I resigned myself to the belief that my precious, my Bible, had hopefully ended up in the hands of someone who not only needed the Bible, but would be blessed with the notes therein. I was still heartbroken though. A month later, I was attending the baby shower of a precious friend (Elizabeth Mills) and at the end of it, her Mom said that they had a Bible in their possession that belonged to someone in my family (the name inside had been "T. Stuart" and since there are 3 "T. Stuarts" in our family, they didn't know who it actually belonged to). I burst into tears. I was so happy and emotional! I immediately drove across town to pick it up and was so elated to have it back again. Needless to say, I added contact information inside to identify it as mine. 

13 years!

My Bible has been all across the US, from NC to IN to KY to DC to VA to FL to AZ to TX! It has also been to Honduras five times, to Guatemala, and to England (multiple times). It has given me insight during one of the hardest and now one of the most victorious and growth-filled decades of my life. It truly is my precious and is going to be a hard one to put on a shelf for reference. I always said that if there was a fire, I'd grab myself, my pets, and my Bible. 

Notes!

The binding is finally falling apart. The Bible itself is expanded outside the binding from the water damage. It is warped and there are brittle pages. There are bits and pieces of paper, bookmarks (bought and handmade), church updates/bulletins, and note sheets strewn/filed throughout its pages. There are notes in English, Spanish, Hebrew, and even Greek. There are sticky notes and church attendance cards that I wrote quotes on in it. There is tape on the pages I've accidentally ripped. There are tear-stained pages and dirt from being outside with me. I once found the body of a dead tick in it (lol and gross!)! Ink has bled and it's water stained and marked all over. I guess if it still looked new after 13 years, then that might be a bad sign that I'm not in the Word as I should be!

Bigger than the binding...

I feel like I'm stepping out of my comfort zone as I switch to my new (and nicer!) Bible. It's a new edition of my life, a new decade coming up for me (my 30s!). Ultimately, it is time. Time for new beginnings. Time for a new life. Afterall, God will make all things new in the end of all things. Why not start new again, now?

Jeremiah 29:11

My treasure... my precious... my Bible. 

One of my fav chapters!

PS Thank you, Mom, for your thoughful gift and forgive me for not being as gracious as I should've been. Time for a new Bible cover too... 

Oh! That's what the binding is supposed to be like! Gonna be weird getting used to a new Bible...

I wrote this poem on the way down to FL this past Friday. I felt very inspired when we saw these two clouds in the sky. The sky was virtually clear of clouds, yet these were there. I feel that it was a message, and thus, I share my thoughts, my poem with you. Hope it may inspire you as it did I. The background is the actual picture taken of what we saw!

Being a dreamer...

Ironically, I'd say I have been a dreamer all along in my life. But really, I didn't understand what being a dreamer entailed. It entails discovery, mindset, goals, and action. You can't be a true dreamer if you are lacking in one of those areas. Once you discover what your dreams are, you start to get your mind right to pursue your dream, you set your goals, and you take action.

I find that most people struggle, myself included, in all steps. It's about understanding those steps and becoming persistent and consistent in the journey. 

In step two, it takes a lot to get your mind right. You need to grow yourself, your self-image and your positive mental attitude (PMA). If you aren't positive about your dreams, then how will you ever be motivated? You also need to have a sense of urgency. There is a difference between a want and a need. You've got to want your dream so bad, that you need it. Once it becomes a need, it becomes urgent and you start your pursuit by setting your goals (but not unachievable ones as to discourage your PMA-- small ones help move you towards your big goals). You also have to make the decision in the  mindset step in order to start the pursuit of your dream. If you don't make a decision, nothing happens. Then, all of a sudden, you are 20 years down the line and no closer to your dream than the day you discovered it. Protect your mind and grow yourself, and ultimately people will be drawn to your emotional stability and your PMA. 

In step four, the action towards pursuing your dreams, if you don't necessarily have the right mindset, you start checking results. I've seen this in weight loss. We get on the scale everyday at the gym and barely see any change or fluctuations up and down. Then we get discouraged and slow down our action. In fact, this is the exact opposite of what you should do in the action phase of your dream. You keep moving, and moving forward. The moment you slow down, you start to lose your momentum. The moment you look back to check your results, you start to slow down. Don't slow down! Remember your dreams are an urgent need once you have your mind right. 

What if you are stuck in step one trying to figure out what your dream is? This step is imperative. The discovery phase of your dream takes exploration and some trial and error. I've seen this in my life. I'm not negative about the trial and error though because as I've gone down the paths of my life, every step and decision has shaped and molded me today and ultimately helped me discover my dream. There is nothing like finally discovering your dream, moving through all steps of being a dreamer, and realizing that you are fulfilling the deep-rooted purpose of your life.

I always like to look at the events of my life and try and pull the positive out them. It's hard to do, believe me. But as I've worked to get my mind right, I realized that in EVERY adversity there is a seed of equal or greater benefit. When everyone around me is telling me I can't do it, that's when I stick/stuck with it. When I hit plateaus in my weightloss journey, I learned to keep going.

I've also found that if you aren't facing adversity as a dreamer in pursuit of your dream, then you might be on the wrong path. Ultimately, when we fulfill our purpose in life, it is not what the enemy wants. The enemy will try and pull you away from your dreams, distract you, attack you, in ANY means possible. That's when you, as a dreamer, rebuke the enemy and you tell him he is a toothless lion with no authority or power over your dream. When our mindset is right, we realize this and must stick to our guns.  

I'm excited about my dream if you can't tell. I'm excited to win with my friends, my family as I pursue my dreams. My purpose is not about me, ultimately. I understand who I am, and whose I am and am ready to share that with the world. I'm ready to make an impact. 

It's not about the finish line, but it's about the journey.

Just IMAGINE what you can do as dreamer... 

Over a Year Later (An Update to my Weightloss Journey)

So, wow. It's been over a year since I posted about my weightloss journey (original note here) and here I sit, still healthy and fit. Yes! I overcame the curve of many people who lose weight. It is very typical that without help and radical change in one's life, weightloss can be temporary. I've seen it many times. I made a personal vow for that not to happen, and thus far have maintained my loss.

Does that mean I still work out, still eat healthy and still take some supplements to help? SURE! It may not be as much as when I was actively losing, but it doesn't take as much effort to maintain in my case.

So what is it like now for me? Do I still struggle with my self image? Yes, actually, I do sometimes. My self image is greatly improved though!!! I carry myself, nowadays, much better overall as a person!  Have I fluctuated at all? Being transparent, yea, sure! Case-in-point, I had back/kidney stone issues back in April that cause a minor fluctuation (not much AT ALL), but getting back to normal routines has gotten me back to where I need to be!

Do people still get surprised? YES. It's sometimes weird for me that it was that dramatic and that there are still people who haven't seen me and will walk right by me without recognizing me. It happened the other day! I still get the same old question of, "How did you do it???" I also still encourage a lot of people in their journeys or help people get kick-started in theirs.

So how have my habits changed from when I was initially losing to now that I'm just maintaining?  
*I still do my best to monitor portion sizes. In fact, practically every time I go to a sit down restaurant (with the exception being sushi), I box up half my food. I also stick to the menu items that indicate "Healthy and Fit" or give a Calorie count. I try to make my lunch instead of eat out. When I eat high carb meals, I'll take a Carb Blocker (just like when I was losing) to help out (doesn't give me permission to eat more carbs, but just to help block the ones I am eating). I still don't eat terribly a lot of sugars or sweets. Doesn't mean I don't treat myself occasionally! I rarely drink soda (ask me about "healthy" energy drinks though!). I drink A LOT of water (I add various flavors to them! Think "twist tube" supplements).



*I still work out. Wish I could tell you that you can stop exercising once you get healthy and fit, but you can't really for an active and healthy life. I'm not in the gym 5-7 times a week because of my busy schedule, but I'm in there regularly 3-5 times a week. I do a lot more running and a lot more weight training. I use Sports Nutrition products to help with endurance and recovery during/after my workouts (they make a TREMENDOUS difference). I run races. In fact, races give me short term goals to strive for. I'm always wanting to improve my times.  

*I still take supplements. Nowadays, instead of the more targeted "weightloss" supplements, I take more of the preventative or muscle building (don't worry, I don't want to be the Hulk, just lean) type ones. I eat more protein and strive for more fulfilling foods. I take a multi-vitamin everyday that is good for my overall health (I rarely get sick).  

*I set personal goals. One of my main ones is to run a half marathon and then a full marathon. I strive to encourage 1 person a day as best I can in their health/fitness goals. The biggest daily goal I have is to have a Positive Mental Attitude about all aspects of life (PMA). Did you know that just changing your attitude can help with your health? :) Start with small goals and you'll see that they are more achievable, but remember to set that long term goal as a reminder.

I'm sure some of you might be thinking, she's just trying to sell me something. SURE. I'm trying to get you to buy into your own life! I do "sell" things that can help jump-start your journey or help you just get healthier and more fit, but that's not really the point. The point is your health. I can't tell you how much losing weight has changed my whole life. My blood pressure is a healthy 102/60. I have a resting heart rate in the 50s. My iron levels (which I do supplement) are higher. I'm stronger, leaner, and I inspire myself on a daily basis (not to mention others have said they are inspired).

I did this for myself. I did it to prove to myself I could do it. I did it so I can live longer. I overcame what I could control. In that process, I became a better me in ALL aspects. And now I share it because this journey is for you, too. You can do it! Just give yourself a shot, and if I can do anything, and I mean ANYTHING, to help, just ask.

"Health is a choice, so choose wisely!" ~Dr. Chet Zelasko

 

Before (June 2007)     --        After (October 2011)

Old Journal Entry from the Year 2000

Wow... so tonight I read through a "sappy" love/life journal from 1998-2000 and the following is an entry from the start of the year in 2000. I thought it was powerful. In fact, I kinda exclaimed outloud, "Wow!"

I don't think it was written about any one person (not that I can remember), and it seems there are some possible religious references as well. So here goes:
***
I am...
I am but a pawn in this game of love.
Surrounded by pieces ready to take me; yet my goal to check the king is seemingly so far away.
The currents rip my heart apart, tearing my fragile soul to pieces.
Like a magnet, I am drawn to the opposite pole, the one who seemingly forces me to him.
How can this be?
He is the light, the sun I am drawn to when I am stuck in the darkness so full of loss and chaos amongst the others who search.
The everlasting candle when the others burn out and melt, leading my path in life.
When I can't go another step up the staircase called life, he picks me up and carries me like I am crippled.
But I am! Crippled by this thing called love; as its uncompassionate nature gauges voids in my already sore heart.
Love tortures my heart as it hangs from the gallows, teased and smitten by those who seemingly cared about it.
Can love so strong ever be felt by such a one for me?
I am pricked by love's beautiful rose as I pull it closer to my bossom.
Love is but a poison to the lips, not destroying, but negatively affecting.
Like a wolf in sheeps clothing, it waits to pounce and maul my heart.
I am addicted to love's security and the feeling of being wanted and cared for like a drug that will eventually, if taken in the long term without success may kill me.
Like a fly to fly paper, I don't know how to save myself, until I am pulled to safety from love's quicksand truly, madly, and deeply!
****
Did that not have you going WOW, too? I am trying to remember the anguish I must have been feeling at 17. Sometimes, I can still relate to these same thoughts I had back then. It's all apart of the journey though. I press on.

 Me at 17 (Senior Prom)

Fitness Stats

So, today I met with a personal trainer for a quick workout and body evaluation.

Good news!
Since mid July, I have dropped 7% body fat. I have 3% more that I want to lose to get to my target of 21% (which is very good for my height). I have a BMI around 23 (which is also good!).

I average between 9 and 10 minutes per mile. I was recommended to run about every day to get to my target body fat and to train. My target weight is a bit less than what I'm at, but I should easily hit it (we are talking between 3-8 pounds really from the upper to the lower range I want to fluctuate in) when I drop off the 5% body fat.

I have a goal to be able to run a marathon by spring next year. I'm still at a total loss of 75 pounds at my lowest weight, and if I were to lose all 8 pounds and be on the lower range of my target weight range (set by me personally), then that would be a total of 80 pounds lost since August of 2008. I definitely have a lot of muscle for my height so to maintain the lower range of my weight would be hard! It's already hard to be where I'm at with the amount of muscle I have (probably higher than average), to be frank!

I also wish I had measured myself (inch-wise) back in July because I can pretty much guarantee you I've cut a good number of inches off since July even though I've pretty much only maintained my weight since then (hey, I dropped a whole size in a month-- 2 numeric sizes!).

I have to say that while I workout on a normal basis about 4-5 times/week, I personally feel pretty good in shape UNTIL I workout with a trainer... lol.

Thank goodness I have good teeth and no fillings! haha.

What if

Dear Claire,
‘What’ and ‘if’ are two words as non-threatening as words come. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: ‘What if?’…
I don’t know how your story ended.
But I know that if what you felt then was love – true love – then it’s never too late.
If it was true then it why wouldn’t it be true now?
You need only the courage to follow your heart…
I don’t know what a love like that feels like…
a love to leave loved ones for, a love to cross oceans for…
but I’d like to believe if I ever felt it,  I’d have the courage to seize it. I hope you had the courage to seize it, Claire. And if you didn’t, I hope one day that you will.
All my love,
Juliet 
***********
The above is a letter written to Claire from Juliet's "secretary" in the movie "Letters to Juliet." There are so many things in there that I wish I could truly apply to my life sometimes. The thing that hit me the most in it was how she addressed the two words "What if."


Those two words haunt me sometimes. I know we shouldn't dwell on the past and how things have panned out in our lives because to be honest, how things have panned out in our lives is why we are at where we are at in our lives today. Though I do ponder those two words a lot. 

What if... I think a lot can be applied with those two words when we make hasty decisions in our lives. Most of the time, hastiness never pays off. Sometimes, it seems like it pays off in the shortrun, but then longterm, hastiness proves to be unfulfilledness. What do I mean by that? The biggest decisions in life should NEVER be done in haste. The hardest part about that though is patience. Do I believe that patience pays off? Most definitely. When you do things right, I feel you will always live a fulfilled and happy life. Do I think that it will be smooth sailing? No way. That's just the nature of life. 


I know for me, my aim is to make my story my own, and how people, relationships, love, fun, laughter, and even all the bad stuff play a role in it all become a part of that story. Yet, those two words do linger... "What if?" But then again, why does it always have to be associated with the past? I think we fail at realizing that those two words have significant meaning in our future as well. What if we decide to take this path or this road? What if we decide to walk side by side with this person or these people? 

What if... Oh how those words can haunt our past but decidedly be so exciting for our future. The trouble I have is trying to focus on the "What ifs" of the future rather than the past. It seems like I always try and make these plans for my life based on the present here and now. Yet, when I do that, I have found it to never truly pan out the way I want it to or how I thought it was going to be. I guess that is also in the nature of how the people in our lives decide to deal with their "What ifs" as well. 


It is so hard for me to just let go of my "plans" sometimes. I have had to let go, it seems, so many times! That's when I start dwelling on those "What if" moments in my past. What if that person hadn't decided to do that? What if I had never been there, done that? Ergh! I guess that's what makes faith so scary sometimes. It's the unknown "What if" of our future (not referring to faith of the Godly kind, since I feel like that is not so much unknown for me). 


So where do the "What ifs" actually fit in our lives, or do they even fit at all? Yea, I do think they belong in our lives, but we shouldn't dwell on the past ones. Sure some of those "What ifs" may always have a place in your heart or mind. Nor should we dwell on the scariness of the future "What ifs" either. 


I've started to kinda adopt the "go with the flow" attitude. Instead of trying to make things work for my future, I've just decided I want to see where it will go, or how it will pan out. I'm looking for the connections in my life that will truly lead some place. The connections that I felt like I saw in the movie "Letters to Juliet" make me hopeful too. So perhaps, the future "What ifs" should just bring hope into our lives rather than fear. I think that's all apart of the attitude of faith that our lives will go where they are meant to go. 


This of course is not saying that you shouldn't prepare for your future, or sit around and do nothing. That accomplishes nothing. As they say, "Fail to plan, plan to fail." But in that, I think it's more meant in the attitude that you can't remain complacent in your life "hoping" that the "What ifs" will do everything for you. You still have to take the simple action of living your life. It's just sailing along with it as it goes. I think that when you do ride along life's journey, those connections that you know are meant to be will really stand out. Sometimes they may not stand out in the manner you expect, or even start or journey for a bit the way you think they should, but that's where life's plans show you that you really can't make life do what you want it to do sometimes. 

But then again, you also can't be hasty in the big things in life either because as I mentioned before, the most important things in life should never be done hastily. Life is meant to be lived in a manner that you can inspire those around you and be fulfilled and happy. At least that's my take on it. We have one life to live, so why don't we do the right thing in life, and just go with it and enjoy the journey. We take the turns we must, back up down the paths that may dead end, but ultimately every "What if" can be just a part of making you who you are meant to be.

Doors

I find myself getting inspiration at the most inopportune of times sometimes. Hence, now I sit in a McD’s parking lot barely having been on the road back to NC for about 20 minutes, inspired to write another blog.

Yet, this is pretty typical of my trips from VA to NC. I find myself usually scribbling in a notebook while I drive. Yea, I know. Not the safest of things to be doing, but I really want to get my thoughts out exactly how I think them at that very moment or I’ll never get it out like I want.

So, what has me thinking now? Well a lot of things. I always seem to ponder where I’m at in my life on these trips. And, to be frank, I need these times and these trips to get out of my grind and normal mundane life sometimes.

So what now? Well, I was thinking. Haha. Yea. Of course I was. So here it is:

The unknown is so apparent in my life it is scary. The opportunities in my life and where I’m going from here on are so exciting it scares me. I can’t help but look back at some of the doors that have closed in my life and want to run back and start banging on them to let me back in. It’s so hard not to want that. When those things you desired so strongly in your life are now gone and you are looking into a future that is unknown, yet so open to newness, you have to wonder what has gotten you to this point.

The other thing that has been on my mind are some of my friendships and relationships. It is so hard when you see more than one person in your life who you think are making the biggest mistakes ever! You want to run up to them, give them a slap, hug them, and then yell, “Don’t do it!!!” It’s hard when you think you know what the best thing is in their life and they don’t listen. But then again, you have to remember that you aren’t living their life either. However, it is still hard as you don’t want to see them get hurt. I can’t say that I wish ill on anyone, but there have been points in my life where I hoped that the hard lessons that were going to happen didn’t destroy that person or me to the point of irreparable. So far, I know the mistakes I’ve made in my life have only left scars and not permanent damage.

So all this being said, it relates to the open and closed doors in my life. Have I been making the biggest mistakes? No, I don’t think so. I just hate seeing others around me doing things that are so anti from what they have told me are their goals and dreams in life. Doing things that make no sense at all. Yet, I am SURE that some people are looking at my life and thinking the same exact thing. But, I don’t feel that way one bit. Those who truly know me, know this about me.

What I want most people to know is that while I’m not complacent with where I’m at in my life, I do have a sortof peace about where I’m going. I’m definitely not where I thought I would be a year ago now. Do I wish I was? Yea, sure. But then the enormous opportunities despite the unknown wouldn’t be in front of me. I imagine that I’m starting to reopen my heart to allow the future blessings to come flowing in like a vacuum as I read in a book recently. Do I feel like I deserve those blessings? Most of the time, I don’t. But that’s the nature of humanity. Yet, I stand on this path right now doing exactly and going exactly where I think I’m meant to be doing/going. There are many choices to be made. There are opportunities all around me. I just wish things were clearer for me. That I knew which choices to make that would pay off the most. Then there’s that ache to look back at some of those closed doors and see if they might be cracked open only slightly. But every time I look back, they aren’t. And I tell ya, that really hurts most of the time. I guess that’s why we are supposed to press forward. That if those doors are meant to reopen, they will open as a new door in front of me with new opportunities and a new path associated with them. And if they aren’t meant to reopen, you just move on and experience a life that truly was meant for you. Which I think will happen no matter what anyways. The most important part that I have to remind myself is to not wait around for things that are out of my control, especially when there is no indication that I should. To take a hold of what I can control and move forward.

The hardest part is hoping that the people and the opportunities that are behind those closed doors don’t miss out on what could’ve been such a happy and fulfilling life or path. Especially, when in your heart you know that they will be disappointed. And, as I've said before, this is hard because I wish no ill on anyone! For me, friendships and relationships in my life aren’t taken lightly and when you lose one without even the opportunity on your part to truly figure out why or get the opportunity for closure, it hurts A LOT. But then you realize that sometimes you just don’t have a choice in the matter. That it is not in your hands to get that opportunity.

Then I look forward and see that I will have such an amazing fulfilling life no matter what doors open, close, or reopen in my life. That is just the nature of hope and faith. 

So here I stand, or sit rather at at this very moment, staring at a future with so many unknowns yet so many opportunities. I will say that everything I’ve experienced in the past has just moved me to a point to know exactly where I want and need to go. And for that, despite the hurt sometimes, I am thankful.

Pondering on Life

As I do approach my 28th birthday, I've decided not to skip it. I've decided to embrace it. Sure, I may not be where I want to be or have accomplished what I expected to accomplish, but there is a whole new year to look forward to. I'm not saying there won't be heartbreak or disappointment, but that's apart of my journey.

When I look back over the past year and the direction I moved and the decisions made, I realize that this my path. Do I wish some things were different? certainly. Would I change anything? Probably not.

I gained friendships, and other friendships became stronger and deeper. I figured out, generally, what I'm looking for. I decided that I'm going to stop compromising on my life. Every time I dwell on things I can't control, I am compromising my life.

Instead, I'm going to choose to live. Move on and upward. Continue to make a difference. Touch more lives. My story may not be one that you agree with the decisions I've made or the direction that I've moved, but here's the kicker: it's MY story. And only I can live it.

A dear person to me told me I have a heart of gold. Whether or not you believe that is up to you, and sometimes I have a hard time believing that myself. I somehow want to associate that with being perfect or good, which I'm definitely not perfect and sometimes don't feel "good" either. But, then I get around those I love and who support me whatever life throws at me and realize that I have to have some "good" in me to have chosen to associate myself with those people.

Am I scared to what is held in the unknown of my future? Yea. Sure. But, am I going to not take that step forward because of that fear? Definitely not. That's what faith is.

Sometimes the choices I've made over the last year didn't pan out the way I wanted them to. Does that mean I made the wrong choices? No, not really. It just means that I still need to realize that I'm not the one in total control. Have I looked behind me and seen two sets of footprints in the sand? Yes. Am I seeing them both now? No. But that's because He is carrying me. And right now, I do need to be carried. He is carrying me through the stress and anxiety by using those around me. And for that, I'm ETERNALLY grateful.

So here it is. I approach my 28th birthday next Wednesday. I have faith that the next year holds blessings that I can't even fathom. Especially, when I realize that I'm not in control and He will carry me through and believe it in faith.

Mmmm! Fresh Fruit Smoothie!

Mmm!! Strawberries, Peaches, and Blueberries! Fresh!


I add a scoop of Protein Powder and my hunger is suppressed for awhile! Usually at least 4 hours! There is a vanilla and chocolate version of this powder that is amazing too. My workouts go very well after having one of these smoothies. By the way, there is a Yoplait Frozen Smoothie thing you can get and add the powder and milk to that is awesome too if you can't keep fresh fruits!


2% Milk, ice, and protein powder mixed in!


Magic Bullet!


Yum! Most excellent brunch!

Pondering & Pet Peeves

So lately, I've been pondering a lot about life and where I'm going in it. I feel like some people make it easy and some people make it hard for me to decide what's next for me.

Lately, I've been evaluating some of my friendships. Or perhaps I should say "relationships." One of the biggest pet peeves I have (other than bad drivers and people touching my pillow lol) is when people just up and decide they aren't going to talk to me anymore or ignore me. I hate, hate, hate that and it makes it easy for me to just say, "Well, I guess that's it." I understand that this is a busy world, and we are all busy in it. But goodness! When you build a relationship with someone and then just cut it off for no reason (in many different avenues), it makes me wonder what the heck happened when I have no clue. It sucks, to be frank.

I don't quite understand people like that. I know I'm not the best at always communicating, but I'll be honest with you. If I'm going to cut you off, I'll let you know why. I can promise that. It's the adult thing to do, right? Talk about your issues and the such.

Judgmental people bother me. I can honestly say that I don't care what your background is, what you've done in your life, etc if I have a friendship and relationship with you. You are important to me and I will be there for you. I don't judge and I say that whenever anyone comes to me with something to talk about or share. I care more about the person than what they've done or what has happened. That's just how I am.

However, it does bug me when I get judged for the decisions I make in my life. There is no perfect person in this world, so we have no right to judge one another. All I want is to be loved unconditionally for who I am not judged on what I choose to do.

Every decision, every path I've chosen has brought me to where I am today and will lead me to where I'm going in the future. That may be near or far away, but either way, I care the deepest for my true friends and family. Those are the ones I know will respect me enough to love me and talk to me when something is bothering them about me, specifically. They don't judge, they just love. If you aren't going to love me and talk to me when you are bothered or you judge me, then maybe you don't respect our "relationship" enough for it to carry on.

Dreaming Big

You know what has been driving me absolutely nuts recently??? It's the negativity I'm getting towards at least one of my dreams. One of my biggest dreams is to be a stay at home mom once I start a family. However, the negativity towards that dream is absolutely stunning. Either some people can't dream big enough, or I dream too big for some people. It isn't, however, too big for me. I know what I want and will do whatever it takes to get it.

I know you might be thinking, but Tamara, look at this economy blah blah blah blah. You know what??!! I REFUSE to let the economy dictate my dreams. That's why I do some of the things I do as I work towards my dreams. Get OVER it. If you can't dream that big, fine. I can, though!

I'm starting to get to the point, even though I don't want to, of shutting these people's negativity out of my life. I only get upset at their negativity because it is so SAD. I'm sorry, but I can't live like that. I'm not one to not at least try and achieve my dreams. However, I do believe, without a shadow of a doubt, that I can make my dreams come true. I'd just like to do it with the encouragement of my friends and family rather than the negativity.

So what if it takes me longer than you think it should?! I won't be giving up, so you can get OVER that. I can guarantee you that I'll be closer to my dreams than you ever will be in your negativity. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but I CHOOSE to live differently.

So, if you want to post something negative or tell me something negative about my dream or dreams, how about you "can it." My dreams are not unachievable, and if you think they are, GET A BIGGER DREAM or goal in your life. Really though.

My Daily Vitamin Regimen (Including the Weight Loss Stuff!)

So I take a good regimen of daily vitamins. Don't get freaked out with how much I do take (it's all important and purposeful), but I'm sharing it with you as so many people ask me about my weight loss and what I do to keep healthy. I'm not putting this up here to debate whether or not you should take vitamins though. I'm pretty clear that I think you should by posting my list. So here it is!

For weight loss (and I've lost A LOT... ask me if you want to know how much, but let's just say I lost a 5 year old.):
Daily-
Slimmetry
Not meant for quick weight loss, but hey, slow and steady is the way to go if you want to keep it off. I started taking this a year and a half ago just to kick off my weight loss. I lost a good amount before I even started adding in smaller portions and exercise (a third of what I've lost on ONLY this).

With High Carb Meals & When I Remember to-
Carb Blocker
It also comes in a handy dandy blister pack if you don't want to carry a bottle.
Does it work? Definitely!!! It's just an additional thing I try and take when I know I'm eating out or going for those Carbs I love oh so much.


Regular Daily Regimen:

Double X
Now this is absolutely the best product you can get. They recommend two doses a day, but typically, I do one dose. So one of these packages will last me 2 months. For those with weaker stomachs (I take the above with milk and/or a meal), I recommend things like the following:
http://tmoney.qhealthbeauty.com/products/product.aspx?itemno=104174 (Regular Daily)

Hair, Skin, & Nails
Ever complimented me on my skin? In addition to an AMAZING skin care system I use, I take this. My hair is stronger, my nails stronger, and my skin clearer.

My Omega 3's 
Ok, I'm not old, YET. But when I do get old I want to have a good brain, so I'm starting now. I only take one of these a day, but will most likely up it to 2/day once I get into my 30s. :) Plus, I don't like fish, so I don't eat it on a normal basis. Thus, this is the best way to get those all important Omega 3's. :)

ClearGuard
Just like the name. It clears things up and guards against things. The main thing being colds. Yea, how often do you really see me sick? Not often. It has to be MAJOR to break through my immune system. ;)

Iron
I have a problem with my iron levels. It's a genetics thing as my Mom has issues with it too. This is just added on to help with that. My daily has a lot in it, but I still need more. Before I took this supplement, I got turned away MOST of the time from giving blood. Now, I ONLY get turned away when I do too much in my workout the day before (due to my muscles storing added iron).

Concentrated Fruits/Veggies
Ok really... how many of us truly get all of our servings in of fruits and vegetables? I don't unfortunately, but I do alright. I just add one of these in daily to supplement my already ok diet. :)


SO, if you are looking to START a vitamin regimen, I would recommend the following:
Men's Daily Pack
Women's Daily Pack
At least with these two, you get to start taking care of yourself in a convenient packet that includes everything you need and easy to take on the go without dealing with bottles!


AND if you want to try the supplements that have aided me in my weight loss:
Slimmetry
Carb Blocker


One last thing I'll mention is something I supplement my workouts with.
I had no clue how much I was pushing myself with my stamina and endurance until I started eating half a pack of these gummies:
Endurance Cubes: Berry- my fav
Endurance Cubes: Fruit Burst
Especially, if you are a major worker-outer (lol on making up words) or if you want to just help give yourself a boost to feel good while working out, you HAVE to try these. One package is two workouts. I can't believe how easy it is for me to continue working out for 1-2 hours after having these. In fact, yesterday, I forgot to eat my serving of these cubes and my workout was terrible! I was tired after just pushing myself for 30 mins on the treadmill running. You WILL notice a huge difference when you add these to your workouts. It helps give you a quick energy boost, fuel prolonged endurance, and help your body replace key electrolytes lost during prolonged exercise (2 hours worth minimum). I ate a whole package of these before the Krispy Kreme challenge, and if you hadn't heard, had amazing race results! :)


Ok, so why did I post this? As I mentioned, several people have asked me what I do to lose weight and stay healthy. In addition to my diet (which isn't really all that good to be truthful) and exercise, these supplements have helped me tremendously. It is important for me to take care of myself now so that I don't have a drug store on my nightstand when I get older. I'm averting the health issues of the future by taking care of myself now. It is never too early to start!

Ask me any questions you might have. I can get you some samples too if you want some. I have more than just this in my repertoire of supplements. These are just what I take and I can help you figure out what you need based on what your health needs are.

 

The best ever! All natural and the #1 All Organic Vitamin Brand in the World!

On my mind on I-85...

Other than dodging pot holes today on my 3.5 hour drive from Richmond, VA, I actually authored a blog. :)
So, without further ado...

Wandering Ponderer

The Road Ahead and Behind
Have you ever just sat down and pondered over the paths and roads you taken in your life? Then, you realized that every road you have taken has lead you exactly to where you are now... Seems silly to write it that way, but really in every decision we've made in our life, the consequences (good and bad) have brought us to exactly this point in our life. For me, I know I wouldn't change a thing as I know that every choice I've made in my life and every event, person, and thing has happened for a reason. Sure, things could be different if I had taken different turns along my journey. Would I really go back and change that? No.

Something good, even though not always obvious at first, has seemingly come from every choice I've made. I just wouldn't be who I am today without the people who have journeyed with me and the road I've decided to take. It's when you step out on faith that can be the most scary moment but also can lead you down the most rewarding path.

Frodo puts my thoughts it in very choice words from Lord of the Rings: "Remember what Bilbo used to say: 'It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out of your door,' he used to say. 'You step onto the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to.'"

It's hard sometimes, though, because you can feel so broken inside when the people around you don't understand the choices you make along your journey. However, when you know for sure, prayerfully and meditatively, that you are walking your journey the way it was meant to be traveled, a sense of peace waves over you.

Happy & Holy!
I believe in my heart that Holy AND Happy living can be combined. Why would God design it any other way? We get one chance to live for Him on this earth and sometimes doing what's best for your path may not appear to be one or the other or both even. Ultimately, though, I'm a firm believer that it is important to have both in your life.

I'm not perfect. I admit that fully, nor do I live under the premise AT ALL that I am even close to perfect nor do I claim to be "experienced in life." Far from it, in fact. I just do my best to live the best way I know how and love unconditionally. Love comes in many different forms as well. Sometimes you just have to make the tough decisions that will ultimately be the right or best decision later, even if they don't seem like it now.

Rather than live "resigned," I choose to live "designed."
I also feel like when you resign yourself to a way of life that isn't ultimately designed for you and your path, that it can be hard to live a fulfilled and Holy life. Many times that leads to resentment of the situation and people involved. Personally, I feel that interferes with my unconditional love philosophy for my life.

Cliché
I would rather hurt sometimes than feel nothing at all. Yeah, that's totally cliché, but it is a reminder of when I'm curving off from what is really designed for my journey. This goes for life, love, and business.

Against the flow?
I always remind myself that to be a part of one direction decisively will not be understood by those going in the opposite direction. It is, however, my hope that, in time, my journey will be looked upon and, in the end, viewed and seen by my Lord and Savior only as the best way for me to live Holy and Happy for Him. I'm not living my life for other people and I have to constantly remind myself of that.

Conclusion?
You can agree or disagree, but this is where I'm at right now. Sometimes the harder path right now will turn out to be easier long term and vice versa. It may not seem fair that it is, but yea, that's life.


Enjoy the calm moments of life and meditate over your own journey...